Women and Relationships

When Good Men Do Nothing

2008-01-23T04:00:00.000-08:00

"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

This famous quote is from Edmund Burke who, as a member of the British Parliament during the 1700's, used his great oratory skills to influence the House of Commons by defending the rights of the American colonies and firing oppositional arrows at the slave trade. His statement is no less true today than at any time during the history of mankind. Wherever and whenever there has been oppression, there have been ordinary citizens like you and me who've done nothing to stop it. And we are just as guilty as the one wielding the whip.

Oh yes, I know it makes you uncomfortable to hear that - and I know we're all busy and distracted - but how can we turn our heads and pretend it doesn't happen? 'Isn't it someone else's problem?' I hear you ask. No, it's not. It's yours and mine. Ostriches have never stopped a stampede by burying their heads in the sand.

This is weighing heavily upon me today because I've just received some correspondence from one of the most intelligent and articulate young women I've ever met - and this 'daughter' of mine is in unnecessary pain. She's being oppressed by the society she lives in; she feels worthless, like garbage in the global dump. Not a moment of the day goes by without her being beaten up by her oppressive culture. She feels shame, as though she is the one at fault, just as the victims of abuse feel they somehow deserve what they get from their abusers. The shame doesn't belong to her. It belongs to her oppressors and yet they feel none.

I hear you asking, 'Who is she?' 'Where does she come from?' 'What on earth are they doing to her?'

My answer is this. She's a well educated, lovely young woman. She comes from the United States of America - and she's being slowly destroyed by the hedonistic, superficial society we've bred. She's being shamed by the Beauty Industry, kept in her place because she's 'told' (everywhere she looks) she isn't good enough, according to the standards set by a powerful, some would say omnipotent, Western culture. It's a culture where youth and 'beauty' are revered and rewarded. For women, the attainment of 'beauty' is usually at the top of the priority list; something that once we attain, will bring us status, wealth, love and happiness. Beauty, we feel, will keep us safe. Despite all other achievements in life, beauty remains the primary goal, the Holy Grail. Millions of women spend their whole lives in its pursuit, only to find the mere passage of time steals it away, leaving them lonely, damaged and broke. It's all a horrible lie underpinned by an atrocious double standard.

Just like slavery. So what's to be done and who will do it? The bad news is there's nobody 'out there' who's going to save these women from a life of misery. It's time to stand up and be accountable. It's time to act.

For most of us that means making a conscious effort to not participate in the spread of imagery or in the continued development of the beauty industry...or at the very least its most dangerous aspects. Ever noticed how some of the models in Vogue are beginning to look like painted twelve year olds? Are you aware that it takes the average woman two minutes of flicking through a fashion magazine before she feels depressed? Do you know how much it really costs to make those exorbitantly expensive face and body creams? You need to be thinking 'cents' here, not dollars. Do you sometimes spend what you can't afford on that beautifully packaged, magnificently marketed anti-aging product?

An even more insidious danger presents itself under wraps. Many of the ingredients in the majority of skin and personal care products are deadly. That's right - they're killing you slowly. Dimethicone, for example, is an extremely common ingredient in moisturizers, despite its known toxic profile as a carcinogen. There are thousands of others that maim the human body in ways not yet fully known - and that's because the studies haven't yet been done. There's more than one book in that subject alone.

Are people simply not aware of how we're affected by the semi-pornographic beauty culture we're immersed in? No - that can't be, because virtually every woman I speak to is acutely aware of her own self-image issues. Yet, often enough these women don't blame anyone but themselves. It's a 'blame the victim' mentality carefully nurtured by the world's economic and social powers. It serves them well. It makes them billions of dollars. If women feel 'ugly' and their status and power is linked to 'beauty', they'll pay ridiculous prices to attain it...because they're scared. The propaganda works. Just as it was easy for the white 'masters' of the past to believe that slaves weren't quite human, it also suited the ordinary population to believe the lie because it prevented them from having to think about it. And let's face it, they were scared of black people. Even those who had the good grace to feel a little uneasy allowed it to happen.

Except for a few good men.

And so I'm looking for a few good men - literally - as well as women, to fight the good fight, to refuse to participate in the destruction. And sadly, gentlemen, you do participate with your attitude, your eyes and even with your words. Know that you are damaging those you love.

We need people who will actively stand against this particular evil because evil is always active. It will thrive if good people remain complacent. We need people who are prepared to light candles in the darkness - even when it's scary.

Is there anyone among you?

Mel

A Potent Symbol

2008-01-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm building a new website dedicated to the search for truth about real beauty - about self esteem, self image, challenging the status quo, discovering ways to make relationships as fruitful and satisfying as they're meant to be and calling for active participation on the part of both men and women. As my logo I've chosen the silhouette of a majestic oak tree and one of my dearest friends asked me why. What's the concept behind it? So I've decided to share it here exactly as I told it to Marita.

'...here's the story. It's a simple one really.

No one would want to dig out their magnificent hundred year old oak tree and replace it with a brand new, shiny green sapling, would they? Because the years on an oak tree have added value to it - they've made it more beautiful, magnificent, awe-inspiring, breath-taking. The fragile sapling is pretty and fresh and green - therefore having value all of its own...but no one would dream of desiring it over the other. Yet older women are tossed on the bonfire of life so fast it makes our heads spin. Friends...it's all perception. There is no objective standard of beauty. It's entirely man-made and serves the dominant culture. That sounds awfully bitter and sexist but it's not...I've taken a good, long objective look at it. There are huge payoffs for the dominant culture in keeping women down; in forever shifting the bar so that no woman ever has a chance of achieving success or power for more than a short period of time. The entire fashion and beauty industry would collapse (and they're backed by the giant chemical/pharmaceutical companies) - if women felt strong and worthwhile; without the need to forever chase this phantom called beauty/sexiness/femininity/blah, blah, blah.

I want my site to help women and men begin to think differently...for women to understand that the hand we're dealt by society is in fact an illusion - and we can, in fact, choose not to believe the lie or participate in it. And for men to understand the same thing - but also to realize that this societal lie is keeping them from what most men truly need...if only they knew it...and that's real intimacy, closeness, trust, acceptance, understanding and no-holds-barred love from women.

So the oak tree is my symbol - a way to point out how illusory our culture's perceptions are. An oak tree gains value, worth, power, beauty and 'psychological space' as the years add their richness. It's also a traditional symbol of wisdom...I believe a peculiarly feminine wisdom...and that too, is a large part of its charm for me.'

I'll post my web address as soon as it's running smoothly.

Love and light,
Mel

The beautiful photograph I've presented here is by Kevin Tuck. You can see more of his work by clicking on the image itself.

Loving yourself first

2007-12-06T21:52:00.000-08:00

Life's just one big learning curve sometimes, isn't it? And the best learning can come in the most unexpected moments. Books and courses are wonderful tools and I'm an eternal student so I don't mind soaking up as much knowledge as I can.

But there's a huge difference between comprehending something and applying that knowledge. In this enlightened age for instance, we all know we should love and value ourselves for who we are but it's a rare bird who puts this successfully into practice. It's more a case of, 'Do I like myself?' 'Yes, sure. I just hate my body shape/undereye circles/wrinkles/lacklustre social presence/boring job....' - fill in the blanks with whatever you currently don't like about yourself. The trouble is that you radiate all these negative feelings to the world around you, affecting the way other people perceive and respond to you.

If you think you can't attract the right partner into your life because you're not attractive enough, think again. We've all known that average-looking guy or girl who seems to be constantly surrounded by admirers and we wonder what their secret is. Well, it's no secret really. These 'lucky ones' are almost invariably happy, warm, confident people who draw others to them like moths to the light, simply because other people want to bask in their glow. It's usually an unselfconscious thing, which only adds to the charm.

I experienced this first hand a few weeks ago. It was a hot, humid morning and I was elbow-deep in my cluttered kitchen surrounded by metres of fabric and a broken down sewing machine. My daughter's school formal was in two weeks time and I knew I had absolutely no hope of getting her dress finished. Why on earth had I volunteered to make it in the first place? (Actually, making it was going to be a lot cheaper than buying it, that's why.)

Halfway through the afternoon I gave up. Trying to sew with a machine that constantly broke the cotton, puckered the fabric and snapped the needles, was playing havoc with my nervous system. I decided to bite the bullet and spend the money on a ready-made instead. For the first time in weeks I felt 'light'. I grabbed my handbag and my daughter and headed for the stores. We started out in the sweltering heat but a breeze quickly blew up and being a lover of all things green and cool, my spirits lifted a notch higher. Frankly, I felt great! Right before closing time, having found the perfect dress in record time, I was headed for the bank, my favourite cotton dress billowing about my ankles as I stepped it out, feeling mighty pleased with myself. On my way back to the store, where my daughter waited with the dress dangling over her arm, I was stopped mid-stride by a middle aged woman with an earnest look about her. Touching my arm she said, 'I just wanted to tell you, you look gorgeous.' She went on, 'You don't see yourself like other people see you, do you? But I saw you walking towards me and I thought - that woman is absolutely gorgeous.'

Naturally, I was completely taken aback and only hope I managed to thank her properly. Then I felt a bit confused. Did I look any different to the way I had the day before? No one had paid me a compliment like that for a long time - possibly no one had ever paid me one quite as delightful as that. Later, thinking about it, I knew it could only be because of how I felt. I felt free and weightless, happy, satisfied and glowing. I'd been in such a hurry I wasn't thinking about how I looked or what other people might think - I just clattered quickly to the ATM and back! But inside I was beaming...and evidently it showed.

If I could bottle that feeling and reproduce it at will, I'm pretty sure I'd have more dates than I could handle, possibly from both sexes! Now, don't get me wrong - I don't need the extra attention. I have eyes only for my man. But it was an Ah-hah! moment for me and I really wanted to share it.

We all need to comprehend that lesson and what's more, we need to apply it. But it's not always that easy - sometimes the more we think about it, the harder it gets. If you happen to be single and wondering why you can't meet the man/woman of your dreams, I suggest you test the theory sometime and see what happens.

For more information go to: www.BeIrresistibleToMen.com (For any of you guys out there, there's a corresponding course called 'How To Be Irresistible To Women', available from the same link.)

How To Stay in Love

2007-11-21T17:47:00.001-08:00

Ever been in love and miserable?

There was a time I thought being miserable was an inevitable part of being in love and it seemed all my friends were in the same boat. Year after year I read every relationship help guide I could lay my hands on, pored over the pages, implemented the strategies...and stayed miserable. I was almost ready to give up on love when I met someone incredibly special...someone I just wasn't prepared to give up on...and I was scared.

Then I found Amy Waterman's book, 'How to be Irresistible to Men'. As the saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher will appear.

The first thing that appealed to me was the fact it was written by a woman, and a highly intelligent one at that. So many relationship advice articles and books, particularly those available on the internet, are written by men, many of whom have no expertise other than their own experience. It seemed to me that men were writing relationship advice for men...and they were also writing relationship advice for women. And as much as I admired their confidence, there was a part of me that was heartily sick of being told how I should look and what I should say and do, by an unqualified male. A lot of the advice in these books is superficial at best and manipulative at worst. More to the point, it doesn't work.

Amy Waterman however, bases her suggestions on solid research. Before she began writing she spoke to hundreds of women, conducted surveys and really got to the bottom of what's going on. When I read about her research, I already started to feel 'safer'. She noticed trends - common experiences and difficulties that ordinary women have in relationships; the kinds of 'issues' you probably talk about to your girlfriends without ever really solving anything. But Amy discovered something extremely important. We attract what we are. Now...that seems like a simple enough concept but I'd never really thought of it in terms of my love-life. If you use a whole lot of superficial tactics to win a man, you'll undoubtedly win him - but at a cost. The man you 'win' will be someone who's only attracted to the superficial. He'll be a player. BUT...if you don't compromise who you are; if you let your loving heart shine through, you'll attract the kind of man who's interested in you as a person and who has the capacity to love you right back. And that's what I wanted more than anything else in the world...and I believe most women are just like me.

Of course, it's not as simple as it seems and relationship difficulties crop up long after the attraction and dating stages have passed. That's another thing I love about Amy's book. She doesn't just help you discover how to attract a really loving man into your life - she helps you keep your committed relationship on even keel. Her suggestions go a long way towards removing the fear and confusion so many of us experience from the first date onwards. The topics in her book cover how to:

Be more confident and feminine (without compromising your power)
Overcome shyness and self-doubt
Find Mr. Right amid a sea of Mr. Wrongs
Attract men in a way that suits any woman - no matter what her age!
Keep the fires burning in your relationship

Of course, 'knowing' all this won't make everything right - you have to apply it. And that's definitely the hard part. The 111 page workbook that comes with the course is utterly invaluable. It got me 'off my butt' and doing something positive and life-changing instead of just endlessly thinking about it. You can also watch a 2 hour video course online without having to purchase a DVD. Even her free 6-part mini-course, available via email, contains a wealth of information you'll be able to put to use straight away.

You don't need to be miserable. You can do something about your floundering love-life; something positive, workable, empowering and effective. I'm no longer afraid and confused. I know I'm giving this relationship with the man of my dreams the very best chance possible. And the price is tiny.

www.BeIrresistibleToMen.com